And now something completely different
All us Lusty Linguists do our best to make you readers see the humorous side to things. Personally i try to make you all say WTF as much as possible.
Earlier this month I released a book called S.L. CARPENTER'S BIG BOOK OF LUST.
50 short stories filled with sex, weirdness, lust, lust, squirming and a bunch of other craziness.
I wanted to share a sample story so you all can all get a taste of the screwy way my mind works.
Hope you enjoy it.
The Darling Husband
Fred felt silly going to buy some of those feminine product things for his wife. But being a typical pussy-whipped male, he was out in the late hours in search of things he was afraid of, on his wife’s instructions.
Sharon was a spoiled woman but deserved it. At least she told Fred she did. She had everything already but every time she’d drop a hint about wanting something, she would go buy it within a few days because she had no patience.
He was driving down the street to where there was a small strip mall with a few stores still open, along with a cute card shop and a coffee house. Maybe a gift certificate for the coffeehouse would be something nice to get Sharon. She loved her morning cup. It was her bitch-awakening drink. If she didn’t get it, watch out.
Fred pulled his long jacket closed. He hopped out of his truck and walked toward the door of a store next to the coffee shop. The bell jingled, he stepped into the neon-lit interior, and a burly, hairy, man with a ponytail snarled at him from the front counter before re-opening the DDD Natural XXX porn magazine he was reading.
Apparently it isn’t a myth. The freaks really do come out at night.
There was an elderly lady wearing pink furry bunny slippers and a flowered muumuu dress. Her blue hair was pulled up in a bun and she wore horn-rimmed glasses. She was looking at some packages and mumbling to herself.
Fred shook his head, wasn’t watching where he was going and bumped into a man standing in the aisle. At first glance he resembled a biker. Big and bald with a sinister curl to his mouth.
“Excuse me, I’m sorry.”
In a high-pitched voice the man replied, “It’s okay, sweetie. No harm done.” The man turned around and Fred looked down to see assless chaps on the guy. Not only was his ass hairy but he had a tattoo of a heart with the name Bobby in a it on one cheek.
Fred was somewhat lost, but didn’t want to look totally stupid and ask for help. When he felt a tap on his shoulder, he turned to see an attractive woman smiling at him.
“Hello, can I help you?”
Fred was relieved, but still a little nervous. It wasn’t as if he’d asked for this before. “Yes, I’m looking for something for my wife.”
“From the look of you I can see why.”
“What? No, she asked me to pick something up for her.”
“I see. Well, what exactly are you looking for?”
“I guess something in regular? I travel a lot and she says sometimes she has needs. She didn’t get what she needed last time. She said I can call her and she’d…you know…” Fred paused. “I’m not real comfortable talking about this.”
“No problem. Let me show you what we have and that might make it easier.”
There was a small cutout inside the brightly lit store. On the walls surrounding Fred was a smorgasbord of rubber cocks. They were in every size, shape and color imaginable.
“Holy shit. There are so many things here. What do you do with all this?”
“It all depends on your partner. There are Ben Wa balls, pleasure missiles, ribbed, threaded, glow in the dark, black, green gelled, pink rubber, flesh-toned, clit-tickler dildos. Here look at this one.”
The woman handed him a flesh-colored dildo with a small pouch attached to it by a thin tube. “This one is lifelike in texture and actually ejaculates.”
“Uh. What do you mean?”
She reached to the pouch and squeezed it. “See?”
A squirt of fluid shot from the tip of the dildo and into Fred’s face. “Holy fuckin’ shit. I was just, oh my God—I’m gay now—I can’t believe—um.” He licked his lips as the fluid dribbled down his cheek. “Er, this tastes like a glazed donut.”
“Well, yes, we put a flavored fluid in there sometimes to add to the woman’s playful side.”
“What’s that?” He set the dildo down and picked up a flesh-colored rubber pussy from a glass shelf.
“Oh, that’s one of our new scented toys for men. It has a realistic scent of a woman’s pussy. Go ahead, give it a smell.”
Fred put it to his nose and jerked his head back. “Damn, that smells like shit!”
“Oh, you had it backward. Try the other side.” The woman made a flipping motion with her hand.
“I’ll pass. What else do you sell here?” He handed the woman the pussy and turned around.
She stepped beside him and continued. “We have anal-vaginal double-penetrating toys, butt plugs, anal beads, nipple or clitoral clamps, cock rings, battery or electric operated vibrators. Fake pussies, fake assholes, porn magazines, porn VHS tapes, porn DVDs, peekaboo shows, nudie booths, peep shows, jack-off booths, gay porn, lesbian porn, midget porn, animal porn, transvestite porn, Japanese porn, cross-gender porn, chicks-with-dicks porn. There are a variety of costumes. We have some whips, chains, genital clamps, ropes, leather, vinyl, edible undies, floggers, gag balls, handcuffs, branding irons, BDSM tools, S&M tools, wax-play candles, various restraints, clothespins, mechanical fucking machines and we even have the BFOM-720.”
“Dare I ask?”
The woman grinned and said, “It’s the Big Fucking Orgasm Machine. It has triple speed controls, hooks up to any two-twenty outlet and has an automatic reset and a breaker fuse if it shorts out. It comes with fourteen attachments and a sixty-day money-back guarantee on parts and labor. It can also be used as a blender and power drill. There is a warning that it has been known to cause some vaginal trauma if left in too long.”
“Does it run on gas or diesel fuel?”
She wasn’t amused by his joke. “Okay. What can I get you?”
“Well, I appreciate your help but what I really came in here for is tampons for my wife.”
Smiling yet? Buy the ENTIRE collection HERE!
